I owe my Ph.D. to my parents

I was wondering how we always think that we are the ones to teach all the technology and gadget related functions to our parents. And that their ways of knowing and practicing things are perhaps outdated.

But I believe we are wrong here.

I remember that my first lesson in using Microsoft Word was from my father - he instilled in me the knowledge and significance of line spacing, alignment, formatting and so on, even though he had himself not used much of Word then. He also had the patience to read multiple drafts of my work so that I would one day not need him or anyone else to proofread my work multiple times. His lessons came from knowing the basics of language writing, composition, and structure.

I also remember how my mother taught me the importance of pronunciation and how to be eloquent in debates and poetry, that people would be mesmerised by your mere presence. I also remember how she would make it to all my performances and then give me 'constructive feedback' and help me improve each subsequent time. 

I basically miss learning from my parents. I did not go to schools where there would be fascinating lessons in language and a personal involvement by teachers to ensure that I had good writing skills for life. So, my parents filled in the gap. They never gave up on me and they still don't. My very first and most important lessons in language came from them.

I for one owe much of my Ph.D. to them.

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I am NOT this Unity that we in India are brought up with

The present story of the abduction, gang rape (multiple times) and murder of an 8-year old girl in a temple in India has forced me to contemplate on the various situations of casual sexism, jokes around rapes and the commodification of the female body that I have encountered. All these situations have made me hate the words “joke”, “fun” or “being casual”.

I recollect all the times when someone tells a sexist joke and I do not laugh and then I am told, “don't be a killjoy! थोड़ा enjoy कर लो यार.” Or the times when rape is presented as a joke in movies or family shows on television and one is supposed to laugh and if I argue that this is what normalises rape, I am told, 'इस से कुछ नहीं होता, यह तोह entertainment है, reality नहीं है.'

Or the innumerable times when non-sensical Whatsapp messages stereotype women's roles as a wife, a girlfriend or objectifying any and every part of a female body; all of this has contributed to what we in India are faced with today - rapes of 8-year-old girls in temples. And I have come across all these situations with the most “educated cultured youth belonging to respectable families of our country”, which has also made me doubt the meaning of “being educated” or progress for that matter.

In addition, look at all the small useless things we fret with - whose role is what, who is supposed to behave in what way; the constant scrutiny and direction of a woman's life from birth to death (मतलब इतना टाइम है फालतू!). If this was not enough, we even take pride in justifying such countless illogical traditions and customs in the name of preserving our culture. We never realise that this leaves half the population of our country disempowered, uneducated and immensely vulnerable in all aspects. अब कहाँ है culture?

So, before blaming anything or anyone again, maybe look at your HOME because all these instances happen in those family chat groups or in family gatherings or on family shows. The power of communication, technology, illogical traditions and customs and the power of a non-sensical mind should not be under-estimated. We have no idea where all this communication comes from or goes to and internalises or normalises someone's idea of a girl, a woman, a female body.

If you do not have the brains to have an opinion or the courage to take a stand, then please please do not contribute to the already worsening situation by mindlessly forwarding texts, sharing anything on social media or for that matter laughing on anything to fit in or be cool. It is a sin now like seriously.

Oh but wait, we are in India. हम fun करते हैं, हम cool हैं. तोह चलो अपने whatsapp groups पे और sexist jokes बनाएं, rape का मज़ाक उड़ाएं, और यह बार बार करते रहे जब तक सब को यह normal नहीं लगने लगता. और और औरत को घर में बंद कर दें बिना सर पैर के त्यौहार और रीति रिवाज़ से.

With this story, I reach a saturation point where I choose to dissociate with the spirit of the nation, of the 'सारे जहाँ से अच्छा हिन्दुतान हमारा' emotion, of the 'united we stand divided we fall' motto we are educated with or the 'proud history of independence' which we remember with a tear in our eye. Because I refuse to be part of this unity; I am not this unity.

#againstMILITARISEDpatriarchy #basab #againststatesponsoredrape#againstpatriarchy

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The Dialects of Love

I am not a romantic. But I carry hope like a romantic would. There is a difference between the two.

****

Recently, I read a book titled, 'The Noticer' written by Andy Andrews. This book is about 'perspective', which the writer emphatically states that most of us miss; the reason for our sufferings. In one of the chapters where he writes on relationships, he mentions that there are four different dialects to love or expression. Each of us speaks at least one of these and a failure to adapt to what the other understands and accepts, leads to broken relationships.

Somewhere near the White Rann in
Gujarat, India

The four dialects are:

1. Verbal form of expression;

2. Performing deeds or doing something special;

3. Spending quality time;

4. Physical contact.

As I was reading through the chapter, I was wondering that maybe all of us speak all these dialects. However, by the end of the chapter it dawned upon me that even though we may speak a combination of these, we do not necessarily understand that at least one of these will be stronger in each one of us. A failure to understand this leads to superficial relationships, and not deep ones. 

For instance, I may believe that the other person is my friend if that person says that she/he loves me. But for this other person, spending quality time with me would be an assurance of the friendship between us. On the other hand, If I continue to tell her/him how much he/she means to me (because that dialect of expression is mine), it won't make a difference. He/She will continue to not get assurance or feel secure in this relationship with me. This is because we both have not adapted to the other's dialect of expression. I am not spending quality time and he/she is not saying it enough verbally.

So what is love or friendship or family without comprehending these dialects of love or expression? I do not know. I am on my way to ponder upon these in light of the relationships I have in my life.

Until next time,

Find your dialect of love!

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In Sickness and In Health.

Somewhere near the Mediterranean Sea

Sickness says - "I will make your 'usual' life stop and I will not let you do anything. Just be. "

As I manage to sit up on my bed and the song, 'Find Love, Then Give it All Away', playing in the background, I wonder - Well, this is good. At least I can get back to blogging. I also wonder about many other thoughts that come and go frequently, for I have nothing else to do for now.

What is love? What is friendship? What is family? What is life? If Rumi would have asked these, it would have become a soulful poem may be. But from me, it is just random, maybe useless thoughts, to pass my time. One of my truest friend yesterday (Mihir) sent me his valedictory speech from his convocation. Despite me saying that I consider him my true friend, I have not been able to meet him for so long. I miss you Mihir, very much. Your letters are perhaps the only thing I look forward to, in times like these.

Coming back to his speech, he mentioned that for him life is a book, yes and that it has chapters, yes. But these chapters are not already written for him. According to him, we write each chapter but when it is written, we cannot erase and go back to write it again. This made so much sense to me.

In my quest to seek answers to these questions, I wonder that maybe the answer to all of this is happiness. If there is no happiness, there is no family, love, friendship or life. So anything or anyone that gives you the opposite of happiness in any form, does not deserve any of this from you. I am not sure which chapter of my book I am in the midst of as I write this. In the presence of so much going on around me and my failure to understand how I can comprehend all of this and deal with it and actually be calm and composed at the same time, I do not know what to do. Most of the times, I want to be, like the air maybe; present yet invisible.

Somewhere near Tuscany

 I am desperate to write the chapter of commencing on a PhD. I am desperate to write the chapters on travel and blogging and clicking pictures and trying new food. I am desperate to write the chapters where I am free to do what I want to do and not bound by time, people, things or anything else in the world. I am desperate to write the chapters which will reflect what true love, friendship and life mean. I have not been able to find these yet across chapters of my life, though I have them as individual and beautiful chapters (now memories) spread out in my book. I say this because in my desire to have a fairy tale like story, all of these exist with the same feeling and emotion irrespective of the time, place, distance or new people. I have not been able to feel these in this specific context.

I am also desperate to write the chapters where I eat lots of orange candies, ice creams, ice and waffles; where I travel and see new places and wonder each time, "OMG, am I the one experiencing all of this?" I am desperate to know, study, write papers, research, talk to people who can talk some sense, who I can relate to, who are free in their mind, body and soul, who can take a part of my soul and give away theirs in return, for me to move on in life with much more strength and vigour and love and everything else beyond the universe. I no longer have such people around me. I am desperate to feel home at a place where my soul is understood, completely. 

As I embark on new ways to comprehend all of this, and find what I truly want to write in my book, I wish that all of us fall sick, if that is what it takes to realise all of this.

Until next time,

Stay Sick.

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The (In)Significance of Loss, Emotions and Relationships

I am driving back from work on the crowded roads of Delhi. As the traffic stops at the traffic light, I realise it is dark and there are no stars in the sky. I look around me; anxious and impatient drivers waiting for the traffic light to turn green. They blow the horn even when there is some time for the signal to turn green. 

My eyes wander and stop at a street light, throwing light on a big shady tree on one side of the road.  The following lyrics play.  I wonder at the irony of the placement of every object and every human-being around me, in light of these lyrics. 

"पिघले नीलम सा बहता हुआ यह समां

नीली नीली सी खामोशियाँ

न कहीं है ज़मीन, न कहीं आसमान

सरसराती हुई टहनियां, पत्तियां

कह रही हैं की बस तुम हो यहाँ

सिर्फ मैं हूँ

मेरी सांसें हैं और मेरी धड़कनें

ऐसी गहराइयाँ, ऐसी तनहाइयाँ

और मैं सिर्फ मैं 

अपने होने पर मुझको यकीन आ गया "

Suddenly, I am reminded of my scuba diving experience in Olbia a few months ago. I return back to the present, wondering, if I believe in my existence? Even though I am not sure, these lyrics feel right.

****

My mind is then transported back to work where many courageous and committed individuals work every single day tirelessly with hope that one day, they will be able to see a world free of child slavery. This is despite the many setbacks because of the bureaucratic Government, the insensitive society and the politics of ego, money and power. This is also despite witnessing horrifying and horrendous moments every single day.

I then think of the millions of children working as domestic help, serving food and cleaning houses, in brick kilns and carpet making industries, in bidi making and firecrackers industry; anywhere and everywhere.

I know for a fact that I have on countless occasions worried about my education, work, relationships and a lot more. No, I do not want to feel good for my own plights at the cost of others. I am sad for myself. My emotions, loss, relationships and worries at different point of time in life seem so insignificant and futile. This brings me to the question - Are we supposed to be selfish or are we supposed to be giving? What is being humane then? Is it really needed? Does it define humanity?

Every day, when I drive in the morning to office, there is a man who begs for money with a smile. I know I cannot do much except give him food may be. But I feel sad. I ask myself the following question, a friend asked me yesterday over a rather emotional discussion.

"Is it all worth it?"

The relationships, emotions and fears, do I need these? Can I give up all of them for a larger cause? Will that be worth it?

I have one life and giving it up for anything won't matter to anyone. I am not sure of many answers and I have increasing number of questions everyday. But I know for sure that this madness to do anything and everything against slavery, has never presented itself with disappointments. The cause is capable of giving a feeling of transience, constancy and freedom; all that I seek for, despite its inherent nature of unfreedom for millions!

Towards the journey of transience, constancy and freedom.
Towards  a bit more hope every day despite the blow of horns, the traffic and the anxious, impatient and insensitive people around me.

Until next time,

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The Void of the Inevitable Loss

I am back in India. Currently, on a reading spree - to read all the books I love, again. 

I start with 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom. Part of me does not want to admit the reason for starting the reading spree with this one. This is because I am trying to find some answers, fill voids and transition through multiple phases in life. Accepting this will hurt my ego. I am supposed to be this strong, determined and courageous individual, even if no one wants me to be one. It is all in my head; to be able to do everything, to be able to absorb everything, to be able to take care of everything, to be responsible and to be able to traverse through life, alone. Why?

****

As I flipped though the pages of this book at about 2 pm today afternoon, I received a message from my closest friend Harsh (name changed) that one of his friends, Ankit (name changed), who I also happened to interact with briefly, is no more. He was bravely fighting for his life since the past few days. Harsh was keeping strong all this while and supporting the process in every way that he could. When he broke this news to me over a message, I just typed the following in response - Harsh. I had nothing to say as I usually do at other times. 

Suddenly, I was reminded of Morrie's wisdom in the book that was lying beneath my phone, "Death is a great equaliser. It makes you shed a tear even for a stranger." I was on the chapter, 'The Fourth Tuesday: We Talk about Death'. Coincidence or what? In the background, other thoughts flash in my head like a lightning streak. What would go through his parents? Is Harsh coping with it alright? What can I do? He was so young. He was just there yesterday when people were talking about him. He was just there, in this space. Just right there. 

"I saw an atheist pray today", this was the next line that flashed in my head. I read it on Facebook a while before the news of his demise reached me. I wondered - how much the above thoughts made sense! I am an atheist yet I was praying all this while, unconsciously. And I did shed a tear for an almost stranger. Why?

****

I have the habit of avoiding or sidelining any feelings or emotions that take over me, good or bad. I do not like to face them. Therefore, I returned back to the book immediately. But these thoughts did not leave my head until this moment, at 1:13 am in the morning. I decide to confront them with this blog post.

I am reminded of a brief beautiful conversation over dinner with a very dear friend, Prashant (name changed), back in London. He was telling me about his parents and grand parents. He then mentioned that he dearly loved his grand mother who is now not in this world.  I asked him with a choke in my throat, "I love my grand mother very much. Her going away from me is probably the only thing in the world that scares the shit out of me. If you don't mind, can you please share, how did you cope up with this loss?" I am not yet in terms of losing anyone else I love. May be because I have seen my grand mother closely fight for life a few years ago.  

I won't share Prashant's soulful answer here as I wish to preserve the sacredness of our conversation, which will stay with me all my life. But I wish to ponder upon this question today in the context of the book I am reading. Today, these words from Morrie make a little more sense, "The truth is that once you learn how to die, you learn how to live." To me, this implies the necessity to accept that, I will die one day. People I love will not always stay with me. Now, how do I live? 

These words by Morrie are stuck in my head now, like all the other words in the book. Suddenly, they make more sense to me today. Undoubtedly, there is no cure to the loss of life at all. No words of bereavement or consolation are going to cure that mother's heart.

I am sure that like my other blog posts, this too will not make much sense. This too is a result of my scattered thoughts, desperately trying to re-arrange themselves. But thoughts are not like a puzzle, like life is not. Thoughts are thoughts and life is life. Then, why do we constantly try to fit in the different elements of life like education, job, family, friends, career, status, money, everything else, perfectly in a picture? Why do we take our loved ones for granted thinking that they can wait while we chase success or money or anything else, which is very crucial "in that age" of our life? How do we know that we or them are going to live to wait for us to stop and show affection, love, compassion, love and care? We must be God!

How the hell do we know if we are going to be alive tomorrow to love, care, show compassion and warmth? And let us assume that we know, then will we be of the same age again? Will we be in a particular moment again? We will constantly grow older. Time shall pass. Moments shall wither. Nothing or no one is waiting for us. Life is not a perfect scenery where we have the control to keep certain elements and people constant, while making other elements variable, at our own will. 'Given other things constant', only works in Science. I still wonder if that makes sense even in Science, but anyway. 

Death of a loved one is a hard fact of life. Yet, we constantly take almost everyone we love around us for granted, most of the times. I am going to make an effort this moment  onwards to invest in to love, care and be compassionate a little bit more towards people I love, in the real world and not the virtual one. So how do we cope with the loss of a loved one? I guess, by constantly appreciating the presence of everyone we love, without any delay and excuse. 

****

My grand mother is coming tomorrow to meet me. Her first glimpse at every meeting makes my heart skip a bit for fear of her diminishing presence in my life. But this time, I am sure - this heart is going to be a bit more strong. And not just for her, but for everyone else who I hold close to my heart.

Until next time,
RIP :-)

From 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom

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Good Intention Versus Rippling Effects of Advertisements

The Swacch Bharat Abhiyaan Goddess lakshmi Advertisement

Advertisements like these no doubt increase awareness by hitting at the right chords around sentiments, everyday lifestyle and not to forget the overarching ideas around how it is in our interest to take action by involving light banter and hitting where most people will relate to. However, I always wonder what are the trade offs involved.

For instance, this advetisement very interstingly would have hit a lot of people who would have gone the extra mile of saying how this is one useful way of changing habits, but is it not taking support and building on the foundations of the very cause of many issues that plague our country today - religious affiliations, beliefs, customs and resultant stereotypes?

The idea of the 'Lakshmi' going away is in itself a cause for so many customs and traditions which are illogical so as to say the least.

So here, are we making a compromise to build something on the foundations of religious customs that is in the first place plaguing us in so many ways? Hum sahara le rahe hain us cheez ka jisse hum roz ladte hain, roz ki zindagi mein ki yeh dharm ke itne vishwas aur kanoon kyun hain.

Simple soch lo. Jisme compromise bhi na ho. Kuch logo ka vishwas toh "lakshmi" ke aane aur jane pe aur bad hi gaya hoga ab. Safayi rakh lenge par apna vishwas "Lakshmi" pe banaye rakhenge. Us "lakshmi" ke liye fir chahe auroton ko yeh na kaha jaye - " tum hamare ghar ki lakshmi ho, lakshmi le kar hi aaogi" (rippling effects almost always ignored under the viel of glamour, "reason" and good intention).

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Turning 25 - To My Future Self

I never actually had the courage (honestly) to pen down what was going on in this troubled head of mine, especially after my birthday. One reason for this is because there are parts of me which are scared to reflect and to introspect. Sometimes, honesty scares me. As my best friend says, being honest can be intimidating and it is okay if people do not understand you. 

However, no matter how much intimidating honesty might be, I wish to be honest today not with you or anyone else, but me, for me. And let me warn in the beginning itself that this post too will be just a bit crazy and not so sane.

I sit down to write this in the midst of a plethora of emotions I cannot even count. I sit down to write this after watching the most beautiful documentary celebrating 25 years of my existence (heartfelt gratitude to my friends and family for this as it will always remind me of who I am). I sit down to write this amidst the fear of being honest with myself.

But alas! As I anticipated, I have no wisdom to share. All I have are words - words left after the celebrations were over, words left after the heart breaks went by, words left after being disappointed or dejected, words left after reading day in and day out, words left after slogging infinitely under the veil of hiding so many feelings and words left after 'just existing'. 

The words left after just existing are my favourite ones. Because they make me wonder frequently - What would I say to my future self? I remember doing this exercise with a bunch of kids back in India and they had such mind boggling answers to this. I was awe struck. I am not sure if my reflections would be as exciting as theirs were, but they will be honest nonetheless. Twisting this exercise to suit my needs.

Here goes the first letter to my progeny if and when she/he exists and grows up to read this (inspired from the book "Letters to Sam" by Daniel Gottlieb).

"Dear Love,

This is our first e-conversation. I am not sure who you are or how you look. But I know that you carry the same soul as mine. Feeling confused and weird? I feel the same all the time, even today. On my 25th birthday, I want to write to you. I want to tell you some things (which many books (not people) will also tell you but I just wanted to satisfy my need to pen down my thoughts as and when they come and you are kind of a forced listener to those today) I acquired over the years; no no not words of wisdom (I am sure you have that a lot more than me), but just simple musings as a result of 'just existing' in the moments that mattered the most to me. I hope you can feel them the same as I feel them everyday. After all we share the same soul.

1. Do not take advice and suggestions from anyone. They are other people's opinions. Not even your friends. Listen to them and then follow your heart. Always (I am not 'other people' though).

2. Do not get swayed by what is normal to people. Set your own normal. You want to live in a small quite place where no one knows you? Go do that while you are young. Never wait to get older to do things. People are stupid. They always have been stupid. They will tell you to 'settle down' first and earn and establish yourself and plan blah blah blah. None of this is true. Don't plan too much otherwise you will be a robot. Remember that every age and stage in life brings with it its own insights and revelations and the wish to settle down will just mess that up. So don't do that. Find your own space and decide for yourself. I will always have your back and I will walk all the way, if I am not too old to walk like literally. 

3. Do not bother too much and do not feel too much. I am assuring you it will not do you any good. Know the difference between being selfish at the cost of others and at the cost of yourself.

4. Love intensely, constantly and truly and expect nothing less in return; in fact, expect more, you deserve it. Otherwise do not love at all. You have the right to be.

5. Always listen to me. I will be right in 'most' situations, not always though.

6. Speak your mind out, as transparently as possible. No one will be able to shut you down for it will be reflected in the fierceness of your eyes. Never underestimate the power of a stare or a gaze. Always stop and stare. Do not run (even literally).

7. You will have to take so many decisions. People will say do this and then everything will be fine. Again, people are stupid. Do not take decision making as a source of stress and therefore do not give it too much importance. You will always decide on things. Its a part of life. Do not let it overpower you. And when it is overwhelming, I will always be there to listen (as my parents listen to me) or maybe we can just leave everything and go travel during these times. I will anyway travel. You can decide if you want to come with me or not.

8. Be honest with yourself. It doesn't come in easy but once it does, it will pay off well, always. We will have more on this in the future letters.

9. Don't explain yourself too much to anyone, not even me. People who love you truly will listen to you even when you are silent. Trust me this is true. Until today, even I thought it is a joke.

10. Do not depend on anyone for emotional or other needs. In the best and worst moments, you will always be alone. Always. It is meant to be like this. Those moments are kind of a celebration which are meant to be celebrated alone. No, I am not crazy.

11. People will compel you to go with the flow of the world as it is progressing and advancing blah blah blah. But if you want to be still in a particular time in history, do that. Choose your own lifestyle. It might not be defined but that is okay. Don't question mine though. This might not make much sense now.

Now you may think that how do I know all of this for I am just 25. Let me tell you that I don't know if most of this is or will be true for me. But I know that I try to live by these as much as I can everyday. I fail sometimes but I don't stop trying. And hey! this at least tells you how I felt when I was 25 and that is pretty exciting! Isn't it? Or maybe not :D

Oh and if ever you find me not following the above, I hope you can hold my hands and tell it on my face. We don't know if age gifts me with memory loss problems.

Until next letter,

Happy Birthday To Me" 

Turning 25 is not easy, you are at a pinnacle of so many decisions and transitions and emotions, of course. Things happen at the blink of an eye. But you turn 25 only once. Know that every moment is to be treasured equally as the one that just went by. Don't waste it. Seize it. Like really seize it. This is not wisdom. This is just blabbering.

Until next time,

:-)

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बहुत शर्म आती है.

I am an ardent admirer of my country, India. In fact I am one of those people who listens to patriotic songs about India on loop frequently, with that high of emotions every now and then. And why shouldn't I? India is great - its diversity, people, food, and culture is splendid.

Last night somebody asked me about India and suddenly my expressions, tone of voice and words changed to immense happiness, pride and a rush of emotions, leading to tears in my eyes. That person replied in astonishment, "I wish I could feel the same about my country."

The next morning sitting amidst an international mix of scholars working and researching on human trafficking, the focus came to India and the popular statement that most of human trafficking is in, to and via India. Women and girls being sold on a massive scale everyday. I felt ashamed. Very ashamed. Despite the gradual change (which is commendable and appreciable) in India and elsewhere across the world regarding the discourse on human trafficking, I felt very ashamed.

बहुत शर्म आती है. बहुत बहुत ज़्यादा. उससे भी ज़्यादा शर्म आती है अपने देश पे जब लोग चुप रहते हैं, बोलते नहीं. उन्हें मतलब नहीं लोगों को रोज़ बेच जा रहा है. हमारे देश के युवा, वोह भी चुप हैं. और बहुत ज़्यादा शर्म आती है जब रोज़ ज़िन्दगी में किसी न किसी तरीके से महिलाओं को कमज़ोर समझा जाता है. जब लोग बात करते हैं की कैसे भारत में महिलाओं को छोटी से बड़ी हर बात में दबाया जाता है.

P.S. I feel ashamed, sad and angry not just for the prevalence of human trafficking in India (and across the world), but all human rights violations happening right now as we read this in my country - in Kashmir, against women, against Dalits (and the havoc that casteism plays), against the LGBT community, besides all other important issues.

What is mind boggling (and frustrating) is that us - the "21st century" generation, so called "young change makers" and "drivers of the future" people are busy pursuing a lucrative career and a "well settled" life. No, I am not judging. Everybody has a right to choose the kind of life they want.

And in no way do I expect everyone to be a full time social activist. That would be unreasonable because after all we need each profession to be working not just for the wider national economy, but even for our individual lives. However, I feel ashamed when many people do not have an opinion about these issues, they simply do not care, they are content in being ignorant, they do not raise their voice where they can and should, in the small tiny private spaces, (leave alone the public ones). It is absolutely disgusting to not be able to understand as to how none of this concerns each one of us!

We are at a critical phase in history, being at the juncture of witnessing and living through some of the most critical and deciding events of our time. This is "our time" and if we are to behave ignorant, I have no clue what the generations after us are to make of us. I will not blame them for judging us.

"if not now, then when"??!!

In national and international solidarity.

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जो हो सके तोह लौटना....मदारी!

I have no sense of any judgment of how a movie is nor do I have any specific interest in doing so. I never read reviews before or after watching a movie. I am that average disinterested person who just doesn't almost never wants to know what other people think of movies before I decide to watch them. Most of my decisions are based on my instinct including that of watching a movie. So basically I am that kind of a normal being for who even if some lyrics or a dialogue from a movie touch her heart, she would dance with happiness and contentment. Therefore, this blog post is definitely not for those who are looking forward to know how the movie Madaari is. In all probability, this blog post will be filled with my blabbering rather than any concrete comment on the movie.

As I stated, some movies or songs or even books touch my heart beyond what words can express. For me, such impressions leave a long lasting impact. This is because most of the times I feel wholly; I feel one thing or one emotion at a time and I do it fully and sensitively. I cannot multi-task. Most of the times it does not play in my favour but always it does make me evolve into a better version of myself, even though slower than most other people. But I do not regret this "when I think of the few people who love me unconditionally". Told you, I always blabber in blog posts!

As I lie down half awake on my bed at 00:57 AM in the morning after watching this heart touching movie, I have this emptiness in my mind. Part of the reason for this emptiness is also because I have just returned from a place where for the first time I experienced what it is to be completely empty from the mind - nothingness, stillness and emptiness. People usually experience this when they meditate. After all, meditation is supposed to do this for you. I wish to be in this state forever without having to talk too much, explain beyond what general reason would dictate or care too much about anyone but me. 

Madaari is about this common person, the person who leads a simple life without caring too much about what is going on in the world but who is strong enough to stand and shake the world when faced with gross injustice. So basically it is a movie about us or maybe it is not. I leave it upon you to decide.

We do feel injustice when we witness it in the world - wars, murders, corruption, rapes, violence etc. But we do not always feel or do anything about it when it happens at the most personal level - the level that shakes your soul off. Madaari is about that. Madaari is about the average us, the मदारी in us.  

For me, Madaari gives me the strength to speak against daily injustices. For instance, the societal injustice I face as a woman, the pressure of doing certain things at a certain age like marriage or education, the gross injustice of expectations from people who do not even matter and would just talk - the simple, small, huge injustices. Many people say, just turn the table around, play cleverly or just let it be. Don't feel it too much. But I do. I am not clever and smart, I am sensitive and honest. I cannot plan or strategise. But what I can do is not stay silent. I cannot be clever but what I can be is simple and give it to people on their face.

Madaari ends on these lines - 

बोल की लब आज़ाद हैं तेरे
बोल ज़बान अब तक तेरी है
तेरा सुत्वा जिस्म है तेरा
बोल की जान अब तक तेरी है
बोल की थोड़ा वक़्त बहुत है
जिस्मो जुबां की मौत से पहले
बोल की सच ज़िंदा है अब तक
बोल जो कुछ कहना है
कह ले....

On first reading, these words may seem like some words filled with patriotism. For me, they are not. For me, these are for us, for the normal average us, the us who fight small battles everyday.

Until next time,
कह ले....

:-)

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