I am back in India. Currently, on a reading spree - to read all the books I love, again.
I start with 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom. Part of me does not want to admit the reason for starting the reading spree with this one. This is because I am trying to find some answers, fill voids and transition through multiple phases in life. Accepting this will hurt my ego. I am supposed to be this strong, determined and courageous individual, even if no one wants me to be one. It is all in my head; to be able to do everything, to be able to absorb everything, to be able to take care of everything, to be responsible and to be able to traverse through life, alone. Why?
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As I flipped though the pages of this book at about 2 pm today afternoon, I received a message from my closest friend Harsh (name changed) that one of his friends, Ankit (name changed), who I also happened to interact with briefly, is no more. He was bravely fighting for his life since the past few days. Harsh was keeping strong all this while and supporting the process in every way that he could. When he broke this news to me over a message, I just typed the following in response - Harsh. I had nothing to say as I usually do at other times.
Suddenly, I was reminded of Morrie's wisdom in the book that was lying beneath my phone, "Death is a great equaliser. It makes you shed a tear even for a stranger." I was on the chapter, 'The Fourth Tuesday: We Talk about Death'. Coincidence or what? In the background, other thoughts flash in my head like a lightning streak. What would go through his parents? Is Harsh coping with it alright? What can I do? He was so young. He was just there yesterday when people were talking about him. He was just there, in this space. Just right there.
"I saw an atheist pray today", this was the next line that flashed in my head. I read it on Facebook a while before the news of his demise reached me. I wondered - how much the above thoughts made sense! I am an atheist yet I was praying all this while, unconsciously. And I did shed a tear for an almost stranger. Why?
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I have the habit of avoiding or sidelining any feelings or emotions that take over me, good or bad. I do not like to face them. Therefore, I returned back to the book immediately. But these thoughts did not leave my head until this moment, at 1:13 am in the morning. I decide to confront them with this blog post.
I am reminded of a brief beautiful conversation over dinner with a very dear friend, Prashant (name changed), back in London. He was telling me about his parents and grand parents. He then mentioned that he dearly loved his grand mother who is now not in this world. I asked him with a choke in my throat, "I love my grand mother very much. Her going away from me is probably the only thing in the world that scares the shit out of me. If you don't mind, can you please share, how did you cope up with this loss?" I am not yet in terms of losing anyone else I love. May be because I have seen my grand mother closely fight for life a few years ago.
I am reminded of a brief beautiful conversation over dinner with a very dear friend, Prashant (name changed), back in London. He was telling me about his parents and grand parents. He then mentioned that he dearly loved his grand mother who is now not in this world. I asked him with a choke in my throat, "I love my grand mother very much. Her going away from me is probably the only thing in the world that scares the shit out of me. If you don't mind, can you please share, how did you cope up with this loss?" I am not yet in terms of losing anyone else I love. May be because I have seen my grand mother closely fight for life a few years ago.
I won't share Prashant's soulful answer here as I wish to preserve the sacredness of our conversation, which will stay with me all my life. But I wish to ponder upon this question today in the context of the book I am reading. Today, these words from Morrie make a little more sense, "The truth is that once you learn how to die, you learn how to live." To me, this implies the necessity to accept that, I will die one day. People I love will not always stay with me. Now, how do I live?
These words by Morrie are stuck in my head now, like all the other words in the book. Suddenly, they make more sense to me today. Undoubtedly, there is no cure to the loss of life at all. No words of bereavement or consolation are going to cure that mother's heart.
I am sure that like my other blog posts, this too will not make much sense. This too is a result of my scattered thoughts, desperately trying to re-arrange themselves. But thoughts are not like a puzzle, like life is not. Thoughts are thoughts and life is life. Then, why do we constantly try to fit in the different elements of life like education, job, family, friends, career, status, money, everything else, perfectly in a picture? Why do we take our loved ones for granted thinking that they can wait while we chase success or money or anything else, which is very crucial "in that age" of our life? How do we know that we or them are going to live to wait for us to stop and show affection, love, compassion, love and care? We must be God!
How the hell do we know if we are going to be alive tomorrow to love, care, show compassion and warmth? And let us assume that we know, then will we be of the same age again? Will we be in a particular moment again? We will constantly grow older. Time shall pass. Moments shall wither. Nothing or no one is waiting for us. Life is not a perfect scenery where we have the control to keep certain elements and people constant, while making other elements variable, at our own will. 'Given other things constant', only works in Science. I still wonder if that makes sense even in Science, but anyway.
Death of a loved one is a hard fact of life. Yet, we constantly take almost everyone we love around us for granted, most of the times. I am going to make an effort this moment onwards to invest in to love, care and be compassionate a little bit more towards people I love, in the real world and not the virtual one. So how do we cope with the loss of a loved one? I guess, by constantly appreciating the presence of everyone we love, without any delay and excuse.
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My grand mother is coming tomorrow to meet me. Her first glimpse at every meeting makes my heart skip a bit for fear of her diminishing presence in my life. But this time, I am sure - this heart is going to be a bit more strong. And not just for her, but for everyone else who I hold close to my heart.
Until next time,
RIP :-)
RIP :-)
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| From 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom |
