Points For Myself From Chanda Kocchar's Letter To Her Daughter

1. Remember that relationships are important and have to be nurtured and cherished. Also keep in mind that a relationship is a two way street, so be ready to give a relationship just as you would expect the other person to be giving to you

2. Take destiny in your own hands, dream of what you want to achieve, and write it in your own way. As you go ahead in life, I want you to climb the path to success one step at a time. Aim for the sky, but move slowly, enjoying every step along the way. It is all those little steps that make the journey complete.

3. As you go forward, you will sometimes have to take difficult decisions, decisions that others might scorn at. But you must have the courage to stand up for what you believe in. Make sure you have that conviction to do what you know is right, and once you have it, don't let skeptics distract you from your path. 

4. There is no limit to what a determined mind can achieve, but in achieving your goal, don't compromise on the values of fair play and honesty. Don't cut corners or compromise to achieve your dreams. Remember to be sensitive to the feelings of people around you. And remember, if you don't allow stress to overtake you, it will never become an issue in your life. 

Read the full letter here.

Strongly wishing for the day when I can say all of this with conviction. This is how it is supposed to be. This is how it is meant to be. Always. Forever.

:-)

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The Pauses

And yet again, I was half asleep when I woke up to write this. Either there is something terribly wrong with me or I am just falling in love with this blog, like seriously.  The latter possibility seems more possible to me (My English language skills *facepalm*).

It is 12:22 AM here in London. I switch on my favorite light, the little yellow one above my bed. It throws beautiful rays on the pictures on the wall to the right and on the poster (which reads 'There is always hope' ) to the left. Thankfully, my laptop was lying on my bed and so I did not had to get up to get it. Too lazy and laid back today. I open my laptop and play the song - Dil mere tu kyu ek banjara, recently shared by my closest friend. A perfect setting to write this post.

So just to give you a little background, a group of us here in hostel have these 'Letters to Sam' nights, wherein we read letters from a book called Letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb. In this book, a wheelchair bound grand father is writing letters to his grand son who has autism; on life, parents, siblings, career goals, passion, love, breakups, sex, society, dreams; basically everything that we need to live this life.

So today we read a letter on "Our frustrations and Our desires" and hence this post. By the way, I strongly recommend this book, one of my favorites. 

There is no denying the fact that all of us have desires and hence frustrations arise when those desires do not get fulfilled. For instance, you might be going through a terrible health issue and you want an immediate solution to that. But let's face it, even the best of medicines take time to heal. So in this book, Pop (the grand father) tells Sam (his grand son) through his own examples of failure as to how he learnt to cope up with these inevitable frustrations. 

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Insecurity and fear due to the non-fulfillment of desires result in frustrations. I am not getting a job, I am disheartened; the driver is not driving properly, I shout; I know I am going to die, I am dejected; I can't study, I am frustrated. Frustration, anger, dejection, sadness - let's be honest they all are part of who we are. The more accepting we are of this fact, the better we will be able to deal with our frustrations and desires. Wisdom says frustrations result from impatience - the impatience to wait, to be patient, to have a little faith and to let things be. 

Sometimes, I feel deeply frustrated and angry when people do not respect the cause of anti-human trafficking or when it gets too much and I feel that not much is happening and more needs to be done. Then I start to question the actions of people around me - why is the government not doing much, why don't people care, why do people use the cause for their personal gains, how can someone be so insensitive, why can't people love a little more blah blah blah. But then I question - who gave me the right to expect, to hope and to seek an answer. Doesn't an answer to all these questions lie inside me - who am I, why am I and who I want to be (Eh! too philosophical and a digression maybe?)

Nobody told me that it is my responsibility to care, to love, to fight against human trafficking, to live, to cook, to wash my clothes or to just be a bit sensitive. I voluntarily chose all of these things for me. Then why do I expect people to be there when I need them or why do I expect anyone in this world to care for what I believe in? This is wrong. Absolutely unjust. Here lies the root of all frustrations and desires. I then wonder how would it be if there were no desires at all; if no goodness, no sense of belonging, no sense of being loved and no sense of being accepted was expected from anybody or anything?

Let's be honest (too much of honesty today :D), life sucks. Big time! But we can still make it a bit beautiful by living in the pauses. Yes this is the key - the pauses. So next time when you are angry, frustrated, dejected or sad, try this - take a pause. Yes, a pause. A big one. Do not think or do anything.  Because actions or words spoken in haste can create disasters. May be just look at the changing colours of the sky or the birds flying and then may be as my friend Devina says," You might be able to see the window besides the wall".

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Sab perspective ka khel hai boss! Yeh perspective bahut hi sahi cheez hai! And remember (OMG I feel like I am a preacher. No, I am not! Just speaking my heart out) when life gets too much, you are there for yourself. Expect from yourself and not others. Love yourself a bit more each day, appreciate and respect the little things that make you who you are, spread gratitude and joy but do all of this with little or no expectations. Frustrations and desires can be handled with a bit of change in perspective to what we are seeking to deal with. As our friend Surabhi teaches all of us through her example of dealing with situations, a positive perspective can do miracles in the tiniest of situations.

And this won't be easy. Insaan hain hum, Bhagwaan toh nahin! But as they say, where there is a will, there is way. Ah no chuck this. Write your own quote that goes with your story. Hum kyu kisi aur ki quote ko maanein jab usse relate na kar payein. Hum apni quote banayenge bhai!

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My father always says - let things go and let people be; don't expect; don't attach yourself to anything or anybody and you will be the most content and peaceful person. The most difficult advice to implement indeed! I try my best to follow this. Thank you Papa. How do you live like in the most peaceful way! I must be blessed to see you live, a bit more each day but with no hallagullas (I don't know a word for all the 'blahs' in our life, hence this!)

Until next time,

Don't forget to live in the pauses. May be we can live and love truly only in the pasues. If this is true, then can we continue to live in the pauses, like forever? Then what about the sentences between the pauses? I don't know. 

See you all soon, right here, in this white space, where I am myself.

Love,

Pankhuri :-)

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इस देश में औरत होना माने एक योद्धा होने

The movie 'Angry Indian Godesses'

बेहतरीन पिक्चर. अगर किसी को कुछ घटिया मर्दों के खिलाफ अपनी भड़ास निकलनी हो तोह यह पिक्चर देखें. अगर किसी को अपने अंदर बसी फ्री स्पिरिट से रूबरू होना हो तोह यह पिक्चर देखें. यह बेस्ट नहीं है, पर कुछ अलग है.

"इस देश में औरत होना माने एक योद्धा होने....शायद किसी जनम में हम अपनी कहानी खुद लिख पाएं"

No wonder it was not well acclaimed in our own country. 

‪#‎ceasingtowonder‬

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Aren't We All Delusional?

It is 11:13 pm and I have setup my bed to sleep. I am half asleep. My eyes are watery (as they usually are in the cold) and my eyelids, my eyelids are tired; tired of not work or study, but of something else I don't know about; they are tired of wondering maybe. Is that a thing? Something strikes and I wake up, switch on the light and open my laptop, to write.

I had watched a movie today. 

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I have this long list of awesomely superb movies that my very close friends have suggested me to watch, keeping in mind who I am as a person. When they ask me if I have watched any of those, I never answer in the affirmative. Today when I wanted to watch a movie, I did open that long list of movies. But then instead I Google the following, 'movies like Masaan'. Movies like Masaan fascinate me. An article pops up about Indian movies which are internationally credited but less acclaimed in India. My mind passes a sarcastic comment, "Ah! the usual!" Among the list of movies that this article very beautifully describes, my eyes fall upon '15 Park Avenue' by Aparna Sen. I type the same on Youtube and start watching it. Now that I carry the luxury of having a decent phone, I lie on my bed, put the phone comfortably on a book beside my pillow against the wall, switch off the lights, put on the clothes I am most comfortable in, take on my warmest blanket and start watching. 

15 Park Avenue is about a girl who has schizophrenia. I have no clue why watching or reading about women and knowing their various psychological beings amazes me. Maybe because it is in these diverse beings, I feel closest to myself than I could ever be anywhere or with any person. In fact, all the books and movies and songs which I vividly remember are about women and men from 'unusual' backgrounds; mentally, physically, sexually and psychologically. 

A while ago, a friend asked me, "Have you seen Kung-Fu Panda?" I remarked a bit shyly, "No". My mind wondering, "So many people have told me that it is amazing. Why haven't I watched it yet? What is wrong with me?" I wonder why I have no clue of the finest award winning most liked movies and books and songs. You will never see me participating in discussions about movies and books and songs which are like the ones I should have seen or read or heard. I wonder why. Instead I sometimes watch 'Life, Lafde aur Bandiyan' on Bindass when I am not watching or reading or listening to "my genre" of movies or books or songs. I wonder why. I am sure I am not the only one. May be some day I will know what this genre is called and may be that day I will find more lost souls like me.

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I admire so many people in my life. As I wonder more, I realise that all of them have one trait in common - they have a very simple zest for knowing life; a very ordinary one. The world may see them as extraordinaries, but they aren't. They are as one should be, just being. In contrast, to me, all other people seem extraordinary. May be that is why I relate more to the ordinary ones. My favourite is Natasha Badhwar - a woman of simple, graceful and powerful thoughts.  Today I read her  article, Simple is Harder than Complex. You should read this.

I am making very little sense I know. And I am so not penning down my thoughts chronologically. I don't really care. This is my blog. These are my thoughts. I am not forcing anyone to read these. But I am not writing this blog post just because I have watched a movie and I have these diverse dancing thoughts in my head ("as usual", my heart remarks amusingly). I want to convey a very crucial point here. Yes, a very crucial one.

Every person we meet or every situation we are in, which may be as simple as watching a movie,  has this powerful capacity to teach us something and sometimes even alter the course of our lives by leaving everlasting impressions, only if we give all of ourselves to that moment or to that person. My friends say I am amazing at multi-tasking. But I know that even though when I may appear to be multi-tasking, I am doing only one thing at a time. So for instance, I switch off the mobile data while walking to college because I want to listen, yes listen to the world around me. People say you can instead talk to your family or friends, I don't know what to answer to them. No, I am not being sarcastic here. I really don't know. But I do feel bad when people can't give all their selves to a moment or a person which or who forms an important part of their lives. We lose a big bit of life each time we do this under the impression that we are 'living life' and that 'those moments, those tiny moments of life' will come again. They won't. Sad. The movie taught me this.

*****

The movie ends on a very curious note. After watching it, I surfed for the discussion about the movie on online forums and found a very interesting comment at one of the forums - When Meethi found her home, we seemed to have lost it. This clicks something! We live in our own world of beliefs. Sometimes, when the popular belief is contrary to the one what we believe in, we tend to take that as real. Why? I wonder ("lots of wonderings lately, you need to stop", my heart remarks again, with a little bit of force this time).

I am delusional. I want to stop human trafficking when the majority says that it is unachievable. It may be. I respect your beliefs. But I can't take that as my belief. I am delusional. To the extent we live our everyday lives, we all are delusional in some sense. Some people believe that the one they love loves them back, some people believe that earning more money will buy them happiness, some people believe that there exists Santa Claus. It is okay to be delusional. We don't have to shy away from it. Think about it!

For me, being delusional also means having full control and freedom over my mind and soul; the kind that is limitless. I know I can never make anything, any work or any person the centre of my universe. This is because there is nothing or no one in this entire big world where or with whom I feel to be 'found', completely. 'Being found completely' is the key here. Sometimes I think that I have but no, I haven't. This is because there are these tiny moments, those tiny lapses of time when only I am there for myself, when I close myself to the entire universe and no one sees through that closed me under the veil of who I pretend to be (I am sorry to all those I let believe that they can see through me completely). It is in those moments I realise the existence of a powerful force that resides inside me, the force which flows flawlessly without any expectations or hope or beliefs. The one which moulds itself as per my delusions ("you are extremely weird. I don't think you are making any sense even to yourself", my heart jumps again in the middle of this conversation). As I have no control over the rising and setting sun, so do I have no control whatsoever on this force that resides inside me.  

*****

Sometimes we discard people believing that they are unusual or unique or weird, especially the ones with any mental disability. Aren't we all weird and unusual and unique? This reminds me of a short yet the most beautiful stint at a psychological ward of a Government shelter home in India. I met some of the most lively souls there. One girl always wore a red dupatta for some reason and she never said anything, another one could not hear or speak but she always carried a divine smile that I am never forgetting my entire life, and yet another one just told her stories to everyone with some addresses and contact details which did not even exist. 

Sometimes my heart would burn like fire when I saw some of the shelter home staff making fun of them. As time passed by, I realised that all these "weird and unusual" women needed is someone to listen to them. As I sat with them listening to their "delusional" stories, watching their divine smiles, I knew they are having the hardest time dealing with not just the world outside them, but also the one that resides inside them. It would be a gross overstatement to state that I understood them. No, I didn't. I cannot. Yet, now when I think about them, I just smile because they were delusional. And this made them more free than I could ever be.

I know that not much of this will make any sense. So, I will now just slip into the oblivion of the sky through my window and leave you all to reflect and think - how are you going to find yourself when you don't want to be found?

Until next time,

Dont stop wondering!

Love, 

Pankhuri :-)

(Taking one step every day to be a little more honest with myself about who I am to me.)

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Unconventional Decisions And Musings - The Journey From SHOULD to MUST

A corporate job or a development job?

LSE or SOAS?

Chevening or Felix?

A traveler or a tourist?

A big house or a small house?

A car or a cycle?

Sleeping in a hotel or sleeping under the stars?

Drinking a 200Rs coffee or a 5Rs tea from a roadside stall?

Traveling in a flight or riding in a train?

Having a silk scarf or a mother's hand woven scarf?

Having a diamond ring or a funky 100Rs ring that you truly love?

लोग क्या कहेंगे या मेरा दिल क्या कहता है?!

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Living a life that is expected of me or living a life that makes me happy?

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World versus Me

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Unconventional Decisions, Questions and Musings

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Moving from the SHOULD to the MUST.....

These are examples of some questions and dilemmas we all struggle to find answers to, to decide and to live with that decision; to truly live with no regret or guilt once a decision has been taken. Yesterday, one of my very close friends recited his experience of a session where he understood what it means to traverse the journey from the SHOULD to the MUST.

I should do a well paid corporate job (for a 'good' profile and a decent standard of living) versus I must work against human trafficking (for this is what I am passionate about).

I should choose LSE (for its name) versus I must choose SOAS (for it has a better course curriculum for my field).

I should choose Chevening (for its reputation) versus I must choose Felix (for I find it more flexible).

I should have a life partner who first and foremost has a fixed secure job (for that is what is 'desirable' for a living) versus I must have a life partner who is honest, simple, courageous and a traveler like me and who I connect with at a platonic and spiritual level and the rest can follow (for this is how I visualise my happiness with that one person). 

This journey, right here, of the heart, soul and mind from the SHOULD to the MUST is the most difficult one. Having traveled it multiple times (more than I can even mention here), I know the dilemmas, the confusions and the emotional turmoils one faces while taking these decisions. In fact, these decisions are like journeys which never truly end. This is because all our lives we are taught to do things in a certain way. We are taught what our lives are supposed to be like, what a decent standard of living means and what our profile is supposed to be like, so that we can be called well qualified, professionally and 'otherwise'. And come on, it isn't easy to grow out of the moulds we have been taught to live in, for almost a quarter of our lives!

And dare not you make a deviation from this SHOULD! If you do, you will be flooded with questions. "How much does you job pay?" "Does it sustain you?" "Are you serious?" "This is not normal". "Get real." "See, no one will marry you with this kind of profile". And the questions continue.

I feel fortunate to have understanding and supportive parents, a strong headed courageous sister and a bunch of really cool friends who are also my family. We try to keep each other sane. My parents have always left the final decision to me after objectively guiding me through the pros and cons of each side. I guess this is what has made me who I am today - a little sane headed, having the courage and strength to own up to the decisions I take. I still remember how my parents started giving us pocket money, when we were barely 5 years old and they never guided us as to how we should spend it. There was just this unsaid bond of trust that my sister and I will take the right decisions when it comes to spending it. And we indeed did, most of the times. 

In retrospect, I can now see what has moulded my sister and me to be better decision makers, emotionally stable and a bit strong headed to face the world. Our parents trusted us, they always did. When they say that parenting is the toughest job in this entire big world, now I know why it is. It is like you let your heart roam around in the world, a world which isn't safe and kind. But you still let your heart roam around because you know that is what will make it stronger. You carefully and fearfully see your children learn to fly and you tell them, "it is okay if you fall; we will still be there to hold your hands". These are the kind of parents my sister and I have been fortunate to have.

Over the years, as I have grown older, I have started to notice tiny things, especially since the time I started learning photography and write this blog. How I have picked up certain small habits from my parents - I clean and pack like my father, I eat and feel this world like my mother; I take decisions like my father and I love like my mother; I selflessly care for and help people like my father and I let go like my mother.

May be I am getting a bit more emotional than objective in this blog post. This is because this blog post is a culmination of musings and experiences gathered over the past few years; my story, people's stories, friend's stories etc etc etc. Strange. How words give you the courage to recite, not just for yourself but for others as well; how they can make you wise yet fool you sometimes.

Anyway, so unconventional decisions. Where do they take you? Do you fall? How do you know that you are right? An answer to these questions is this, which again comes from the conversation I had with a friend yesterday, "Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?" (from a spiritual scholar)

Is this not true? All our lives, we try to live what is practical or 'should be'. It takes a big heart (like a really really big one) to first stand up against yourself and take that leap of faith to the MUST. This world has innumerable examples of successful and happy people who lived through the SHOULD to the MUST and unhappy people who lived in the SHOULD and vice versa. I am not blaming anyone. I am also not saying that being in the SHOULD is wrong or boring. What I am saying is that if there are people who wish to travel from the SHOULD to the MUST, please let them do that. There is nothing worse than crushing pure and true dreams, desires, passion, love and friendships for 'what the world will say' 'log kya kahenge'. Each story is different, each journey is unique and so is each one of us. 

The next time you are standing at the divergence of the two roads, take a deep breath, calm down and listen to your heart. And remember, that the journey will not always be easy. No journey is easy. To be honest, no matter what path I choose, I will always fear if it is the right one. But the one chosen with the heart, with all the belief in my soul, will give me all that I need to travel the road less taken. And I will enjoy every bit of the journey. I just know this.

Until next time, keep dreaming, but also take steps to turn those dreams to reality; not for anyone else, but solely for yourself! Live through the magic that life is!

With Love,

Pankhuri :-)

दिल और दिमाग के बींच में जो दुनिया है न, वहां रहती हूँ मैं! 

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