The Pauses

And yet again, I was half asleep when I woke up to write this. Either there is something terribly wrong with me or I am just falling in love with this blog, like seriously.  The latter possibility seems more possible to me (My English language skills *facepalm*).

It is 12:22 AM here in London. I switch on my favorite light, the little yellow one above my bed. It throws beautiful rays on the pictures on the wall to the right and on the poster (which reads 'There is always hope' ) to the left. Thankfully, my laptop was lying on my bed and so I did not had to get up to get it. Too lazy and laid back today. I open my laptop and play the song - Dil mere tu kyu ek banjara, recently shared by my closest friend. A perfect setting to write this post.

So just to give you a little background, a group of us here in hostel have these 'Letters to Sam' nights, wherein we read letters from a book called Letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb. In this book, a wheelchair bound grand father is writing letters to his grand son who has autism; on life, parents, siblings, career goals, passion, love, breakups, sex, society, dreams; basically everything that we need to live this life.

So today we read a letter on "Our frustrations and Our desires" and hence this post. By the way, I strongly recommend this book, one of my favorites. 

There is no denying the fact that all of us have desires and hence frustrations arise when those desires do not get fulfilled. For instance, you might be going through a terrible health issue and you want an immediate solution to that. But let's face it, even the best of medicines take time to heal. So in this book, Pop (the grand father) tells Sam (his grand son) through his own examples of failure as to how he learnt to cope up with these inevitable frustrations. 

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Insecurity and fear due to the non-fulfillment of desires result in frustrations. I am not getting a job, I am disheartened; the driver is not driving properly, I shout; I know I am going to die, I am dejected; I can't study, I am frustrated. Frustration, anger, dejection, sadness - let's be honest they all are part of who we are. The more accepting we are of this fact, the better we will be able to deal with our frustrations and desires. Wisdom says frustrations result from impatience - the impatience to wait, to be patient, to have a little faith and to let things be. 

Sometimes, I feel deeply frustrated and angry when people do not respect the cause of anti-human trafficking or when it gets too much and I feel that not much is happening and more needs to be done. Then I start to question the actions of people around me - why is the government not doing much, why don't people care, why do people use the cause for their personal gains, how can someone be so insensitive, why can't people love a little more blah blah blah. But then I question - who gave me the right to expect, to hope and to seek an answer. Doesn't an answer to all these questions lie inside me - who am I, why am I and who I want to be (Eh! too philosophical and a digression maybe?)

Nobody told me that it is my responsibility to care, to love, to fight against human trafficking, to live, to cook, to wash my clothes or to just be a bit sensitive. I voluntarily chose all of these things for me. Then why do I expect people to be there when I need them or why do I expect anyone in this world to care for what I believe in? This is wrong. Absolutely unjust. Here lies the root of all frustrations and desires. I then wonder how would it be if there were no desires at all; if no goodness, no sense of belonging, no sense of being loved and no sense of being accepted was expected from anybody or anything?

Let's be honest (too much of honesty today :D), life sucks. Big time! But we can still make it a bit beautiful by living in the pauses. Yes this is the key - the pauses. So next time when you are angry, frustrated, dejected or sad, try this - take a pause. Yes, a pause. A big one. Do not think or do anything.  Because actions or words spoken in haste can create disasters. May be just look at the changing colours of the sky or the birds flying and then may be as my friend Devina says," You might be able to see the window besides the wall".

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Sab perspective ka khel hai boss! Yeh perspective bahut hi sahi cheez hai! And remember (OMG I feel like I am a preacher. No, I am not! Just speaking my heart out) when life gets too much, you are there for yourself. Expect from yourself and not others. Love yourself a bit more each day, appreciate and respect the little things that make you who you are, spread gratitude and joy but do all of this with little or no expectations. Frustrations and desires can be handled with a bit of change in perspective to what we are seeking to deal with. As our friend Surabhi teaches all of us through her example of dealing with situations, a positive perspective can do miracles in the tiniest of situations.

And this won't be easy. Insaan hain hum, Bhagwaan toh nahin! But as they say, where there is a will, there is way. Ah no chuck this. Write your own quote that goes with your story. Hum kyu kisi aur ki quote ko maanein jab usse relate na kar payein. Hum apni quote banayenge bhai!

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My father always says - let things go and let people be; don't expect; don't attach yourself to anything or anybody and you will be the most content and peaceful person. The most difficult advice to implement indeed! I try my best to follow this. Thank you Papa. How do you live like in the most peaceful way! I must be blessed to see you live, a bit more each day but with no hallagullas (I don't know a word for all the 'blahs' in our life, hence this!)

Until next time,

Don't forget to live in the pauses. May be we can live and love truly only in the pasues. If this is true, then can we continue to live in the pauses, like forever? Then what about the sentences between the pauses? I don't know. 

See you all soon, right here, in this white space, where I am myself.

Love,

Pankhuri :-)